Who is Joel?

That is a question that you might be asking yourself and I dont blame you, he was a unmotivated lazy sack of meat to the world. But to me he was a Hero, he was a Warrior, I could go as far as saying that he is a Protector. But most importantly, he was a Father to five (5) children, and he was a lover to two (2) anime body pillows. He has changed my life for the better and I'm hoping that his story can change yours too. 

Ever since the begining he faced adversity

He was born at a very young age. The cards were never in Joels favor, when he had came out the thing his face was severely fucked. Some sources state that the doctors couldnt bare to watch such an atrocity, All 5 of the doctors on scene had to seek intense therapy. 4 out of those 5 ended up taking their own lives with one of them taking their family with them. "In all my 45 years of being a nurse ive never seen something so abominably ugly" said Dr. Jerkoff, the nurse that was on the field at the time of his birth. Joel was the first ever documented case of Uglahlildude disease and not one case to this degree has been recorded since. "Omg ew ew ew kill it" is what the media had to say about IT (Joel). Joel had to go under many reconstructive surgeries but he was still unfathomably ugly by the end of them.

Obviously his mother and father put him up for adoption. That ugly thing didnt deserve love. He was abandoned after his adoptees got tired of his face. He had to make a living on the street since nobody would take him. He eventually started to wear a bag over his head with holes for his eyes. He would earn money by robbing elderly folk. His tactic was simple. He would remove the bag on his head that was protecting people from seeing his true self, imediately sending his victims into shock and robbing them when they turn unconsious. It was around this time where he was in and out of juvie, many counts of indecent exposure and sexual offenses against pidgeons is what kept him there. He became a regular at his juvinile detention center and feared by many. It was recorded by some of the inmates that they had his food delivered by a team with specialized glasses to protect their eyes from his face. It was in juvie where he got his nick name "Joel "What the fuck?" Dickwaagon". This name would follow him into his later years.

This was a very brief but unforgettable moment in his life. He had been captured by the CIA and sent to South Korea to be analyzed. He was put under various tests and expiriments to better understand his ugly nature. What they gathered is that it was a number of things that made him look that way, however they grouped those things together and named it something now known as "Paul Dano". (This technology was later used to develop Ellen Degeneres and thats why she looks like that.) There were a lot of casualties in the process of finding out whats wrong with him, which makes it "The most deadly CIA opperation". They found out whats wrong with him, However thats only half the battle. This is where my part comes in. I was at home in my 40,000 Sq ft. mansion playing jenga with solid gold bricks when I got a call from the South Korean government. "이거 정말 흉하게 생겼어요. 아빠가 고치는 걸 좀 도와주셔야겠어요." Said the attractive korean woman on the phone. In all honesty I was scared, horrified even. I feared for my life but being the most succesful maxillofacial surgeon comes with great responsibility. So with that being said I jumped into my private jet and flew to Seoul to carry out my mission. It was a long grueling surgery but I managed to fix it, and I made him beautiful.

This marks the golden era of his life. This is when he finally enjoys life as a normal person. He carried out his dreams like eating at McDonalds with his shirt pulled up, acting a fool inside a phone booth, wear blue shirt, lighting a sparkler in his asscrack, and last but not least, pretending like he doesnt have teeth. Truly heartwarming stuff. He also meets his two wives which are anime body pillows of girls that closely resemble Animals. He even gets to work at a starbucks like a normal person. Me and Joel became good friends at his time. We would do everything together like eat dead hookers and throw bricks at moving cars on the highway.

One night while he was playing basketball with his friends, he had jumped up which was strictly forbidden in the terms to his facial surgery, which caused his meniscus to explode which in turn made him lose balance and fall straight on his face. Since the reconstruction was so delicate it completely severed connection between his upper jaw and the rest of his body. He was rushed to the hospital. I wish I was there that night but I was in Mexico betting on illegal chicken battles while getting touched on by smoking hot Mexicans. I regret not being there for him because if I was I would have made quick work of fixing him, because I am the most successful maxillofacial surgeon in the world. However, despite the doctors best efforts they weren't able to save him, and he was turned into a vegetable. Shortly after however, he died.

Just because he is dead doesnt mean hes dead you feel me? He stays in our hearts forever. He carries out his life through me, he is inside of me. I hope Joels story impacts you as much as it impacted me...